-What?

5th of May, 2010...

A blink of an eye, 5 month times have just passed. Sooner or later, the 6th, 7th, 8th month will be passed just like a blink of an eye time..

Its May, the month which i suppose to cheer, to enjoy and to laugh with..Unfortunately, i am not. Tell u the truth, something has been bugging me since the beginning of the year. Many thoughts and consequences have approached me. To be happy, i finally figured what is the solution to solve all my problems, whereas..i could not face my family. Only few of my best friends know what are my problems, but they are not forever be there for me. I am sorry i could not state out what are my problems. It is very confidential.. very private.. very disturbing and.. not everyone could accept that, and i am proud of my decisions.

Soon, I will be 19 in 13 days more. Not to surprise, 20, 30, 40 will eventually approach me, perhaps, to all my friends. On the other hand, my parents are getting older. When time flies, one only will realize how much they have wasted, how much they have lost, how much they have not appreciate, how much they wish they could turn back time and fix all the consequences they have made in the past, so do me..However, in reality, let's not think of that because it will be never happen..What i can do now is to look forward and to face the truth, face the challenges that ahead me, face the troubles that i am going to face for me decisions making..

As time goes, i never keep admiring 'how come there are so many rich ppl in the world, but not me?' 'how come he/she is driving a better car, but not me?' 'how come they can have such a wonderful life, but not me?'...I thought that my thinking was mature enough to see things, but i was wrong. I was just a kid with childish thinking overall...Today, until i read somebody's article, it has inspired me seriously whether physically or mentally..There are so many ppl out there, rich, but not having good life. Got driving license, but zero cars for them to drive. Had wonderful life, but not as wonderful as mine..These type of thinking should be very common right? In fact, everyone of us will of see it very openly for 3 minutes, after that, jealousy comes back and attack all of us again..and again..

This year's thoughts, i have achieved some of them. As what i said in new year's resolution..i wanted to become a better Dennis..I seriously did, but failed in one bloody mistake...I always make myself disappointed due to some little manner..i am not able to take it positively..like one of my friend does..he is so cheerful..so energetic..and so charming. To friends that always see my so happily, maybe i am..but in some sense, i dont know what is the reason that i am laughing..even if i am laughing, i cant feel the joy..even i can feel the joy, i cant find what's the reason that makes me joy..so, i just laugh..

Human has feeling, which i seriously hate about it..Feelings make people lose determination, passion, mind and..sometimes even own self. This is why i have lost my mind for doing many ridiculous things to overcome my mind.. Thing which is very crazy and harmful which i never thought of myself will be doing those things at the 1st place, done. I felt sorry for my family because they do not know what is the Dennis looks like when it is outside. When im at home and out from the home.. totally 2 different person.....I did not have any conversation with my family members since 2 days ago.. and today..was the third day...and mother's day is coming soon and my birthday is coming soon..

I promise to myself, after expressing what i wanted to tell, sadly, not all of my voices can be told, at least some of them in this blog, i shall stop acting like what i am acting now..

Nothing much for my birthday wish..what i wish is i could spend times eating with my friends, drinking with my friends.. and of course.. spend time at home with my parents.. Its been a long time i never hang out with my friends.. and i miss them..

About family..nothing much actually..i wanted all my family members are healthier than before, happy than before and stress less like before...

To dream in head only will make u unhappy

To voice in mind only will make u revengeful

To scold in heart only will make u angry

Sometimes, learn to release out is not a bad thing overall

Feelings need to be cleared out so that a better u are born

cheers, Dennis